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Archives for February 2019

Self Care

I don’t know what it is but I feel since I’ve become a mom, learning to love myself has become very difficult. I mean, the guilt of feeding my daughter left overs or ordering another happy meal, the guilt of her not being entertained enough with creative activities at home, the guilt of working!, the guilt of even buying myself something nice. I mean, I can go from store to store buying her an entire new wardrobe, but if I’m wandering at Target, I’ll pick up a shirt for me and have to convince myself that I really like it, put it into my cart, and walk around with it for 30 minutes before putting it back on the rack after I’ve rationalized in my head that I really don’t need it. Mom guilt is so real guys!

We recently enrolled June into dance class. She’s old enough now where I can drop her off to class, go do whatever I please for 45 minutes and come back to pick her up. After 3 weeks (3 classes) of watching her through the window and staying there from start to finish, tonight I felt brave enough to leave her to run some errands (buying candy for her Valentines Day party on Thursday). When I returned to pick her up, 10 minutes before her class was over, another mom came over to me and told me that June needed to pee and that before I leave again next time, I should take her to use the restroom before class starts. Little did she know that we’re still potty training June and she had a diaper on the entire time during class. But you guys, I felt horrible after playing that scenario in my head. My mom guilt came over me again. I mean, should I have left her? What if she really needed me when she told the teacher she needed to pee, even if she had a diaper on! I made it a point to tell that mom that June has a diaper on anyways. I mean, she probably didn’t mean to make me feel bad about the situation but please, please whether you are a mom or not, it is so important to be kind to one another and to not make assumptions.

As June is getting older, I find myself getting more frustrated and catch myself raising my voice more than I would like. She’s a little toddler now, has her own opinions and her own little voice. I go to bed sometimes feeling guilty – looking over her and wishing I showed a little more kindness to her on those kinds of “bad days”. But when she wakes up in the morning and puts her two hands with the palm of her hands resting on my checks and says “good morning mommy”…. Oh gosh, I hope I am doing something right.

This year, I’m making it a goal to focus more on myself. And I am such a firm believer that when I am able to take care of myself, I am a better person, therefore a better mom. I’ve integrated little things: lighting a candle in the morning, exercising, doing my nails more, staying organize, reading, etc, to help me with this self care and love process.

But mom guilt is so real ladies. And if you’re reading this, have felt overwhelmed, crying, had a bad day with your child/children, feel like your spouse didn’t show enough support, frustrated: I wish to tell you that you’re doing a great job and if today wasn’t your day: start over tomorrow with a happy heart and lastly, learn to love yourself.

Kay.

When things happen for a reason.

I’m so glad it’s 2019.

I know it’s been a while, here’s a most recent photo:

I’ve never been a believer of the saying “Things happen for a reason” but about 3 almost 4 years ago, I made the decision to return to school, I applied for my “dream school” to go back for my Masters in Nursing. It was a combined PA/NP program about 3 hours away from my hometown. It took about 3 months, after I submitted my application to even hear back whether or not I passed to the next qualification phase, and another 2 months to get notified that I made it to the final interview, there were maybe 30 of us in total who made it to the final round. The hotel was booked, my husband and I made the 3-hour drive there the night before my interview. I had my interview the next morning. During the interview, I think they really tried to scare us, “Many of our current students don’t work due to the workload of the program” and “Financial aid may be available but some students estimate taking student loans out for tuition more than estimated $100,000” …. But I was ready for all of this.

I left the interview feeling GREAT and was sure I was going to get notified that I got in to the school of my dreams. I knew that if I got in, I knew what it meant: it meant that my life would move 3 hours away from home, that I would probably not be able to work full time anymore yet let alone part time, I knew it meant sacrifices.  Yet 2 weeks later, I was notified that I didn’t get it, “Thank you for your consideration but we have chosen other more qualified candidates at this time, the new application period opens next month”. I had waited a whole year for this process, thought I was going to get in, only to get a “thanks but no thanks” email. I was devastated. I remember crying and lying in bed, feeling worthless and like it was the worst breakup in history. I was READY for the move. I was ready to leave my job to go to school full time. I was ready to make that dent in my pocket. I remembered my heart feeling heavy for a month.

But I had to move on, I knew I wanted to go back to school so I knew I had to apply elsewhere, even if it meant my dream school had denied me. So I applied. I applied to the college where I got my BSN. Got accepted within a week. So what did this mean for me? What this meant was that I was able to stay home and didn’t have to pack all my bags to go to school 3 hours away, I got to keep my job and was able to go from full time to part time to still have some income while going to school, and best news, I got a full ride scholarship! I mean, this story doesn’t scream, “Things happen for a reason” then I don’t know what else it means. Also a year into my Masters program, my husband was accepted into the police academy almost 2 hours away. I often imagine how hard it would be for me to be going to school 3 hours away and him attending the academy 2 hours away. Not to mention by my last year in school, I was pregnant with my daughter, and I don’t know how I would’ve handled being pregnant, living 3 hours away from family and my husband while going to school full time.

So the story behind this is that I’m ready to take control of my life but I also know that things really do happen for reason. I am turning 30 this year. And I don’t know why it’s such a big deal but it is. My 20’s were wonderful: I got married, had a baby, was a homeowner, achieved two degrees, and landed a great job. So what will my 30’s bring? I don’t know. But one day, if in my 30’s, I experience another devastating loss, I hope I’m able to look back and realize this, that things really do happen for a reason. And it’ll be OK at the end.

Kay

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